What it Feels Like to Date When You’re Plus-Sized

Dating can be hard when you feel like you’re the before. Before the weight loss, before the glasses get taken off, before that movie magic makeover. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the comic relief in my own love life, and I suppose that could be funny if it wasn’t so tragic.

Now. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not here to woefully write about how being single is so sad and lonely. Believe it or not, I enjoy being single. I cherish my independence and like being free to do whatever I like. Plus, I’m content with my own company. I’ll happily take myself out to brunch any day of the week, and have a wonderful time.

However, being single does have its difficulties. Dating can be like a trapeze act. I’m either blissfully flinging myself into various people’s arms or find myself falling with no-one to catch me. From time to time, I find myself thinking I just want a reliable partner.

There will be moments when trying to find this partner is a pleasure. Drinks, dinner, maybe even a wholesome activity is thrown in there, too. There’s the undeniable thrill of excitement of meeting new people. An abundance of firsts are waiting: text, date, kiss. I’m doing it. I’m putting myself out there.

Then I don’t want to be there at all. Dates turn into disasters. Small talk turns microscopic. Promises of turning those firsts into seconds are swiftly broken. I am haunted by ghosting and find myself thinking it’s time to take a break from all of this. I’ll put myself out there another time.

There’s a niggle in my head, which I wish wasn’t there but always manages to creep its way in. This wouldn’t be happening if I was slimmer. After I strike a match, there’s a flicker of doubt they won’t find me attractive if we meet up. Despite my best efforts to make my profile look as true to life as possible, they’ll see me in person and it will be an immediate turn-off. I worry my body acts as a barrier. I view myself in one light, but then I feel like my weight casts a shadow over everything else.

Hollywood doesn’t exactly counter these arguments. Films with a plus-sized woman playing the main love interest are few and far between. As a result, girls like me have to build ourselves up before we even think about putting ourselves out there. When your body is bigger, you need an even larger amount of confidence.

My thinner friends will complain about their dating life, and of course, they’re well within their rights to. I know they’ll have dating struggles of their own, but their body doesn’t tend to be one of them. Sometimes it feels like we’re auditioning for the same role, but they fit the part and I don’t.

Validation is so easy for them to come by. Whether it’s an abundance of messages in their profile or simply a second glance from a stranger. I’m not saying I don’t get any signs of interest, but it comes fleetingly rather than regularly. Maintaining body confidence can be hard without those sparks to fuel the fire. I need to be the one complimenting myself and it can get exhausting. The negativity is stronger than the positive so I’ll let it win. I’ll leave my reflection alone until I feel like taking on the fight.

However, I should stress that validation from the opposite sex is not constantly required for me to feel good about myself. It’s not always a case of looking in the mirror and finding nothing but flaws. There’ll be times when I think I look great, whether my lipstick is blazing or my natural skin is glowing. It’s easy to catch my own eye and smile, giving myself the nod of approval. Unfortunately, though, this confidence is not a constant state.

Maybe my love story remains unwritten because my insecurities aren’t as guarded as I think. Or maybe it is simply because of my weight, and not as many men will find my body type attractive. Perhaps the right person hasn’t caught me yet.

I want to use this time to get as comfortable with my body as I am with my personality. I need to tell myself I am not a before, waiting for my happily ever after.